Gender is fluid, hokay?

 

This has been stewing in my subconscious for a few weeks now, and recent things I’ve run across on Twitter have baffled and angered me to the point where I need to talk about this. To wit: gender is fluid, sex is weird, and trans is a valid identity for some of us.

Some folks are very comfortable in their bodies, and that’s wonderful. You’re a guy and you like women? Hey, great. You’re a woman and you like guys? Fine. You’re a man who digs other men? You do you, dude. A woman only into other women? Fabulous, go find your bliss. Comfy in your skin and like ALL the fiddly parts on other people? Hey great, have a blast.

Not everyone has gone through life comfortable in their own body. Some of us have never felt right with the biological parts we were born with. Gender identity is as much a function of brain chemistry as it is physical genitalia or secondary sex characteristics. See numerous biological studies done to determine how much of gender identity is genetic and how much environmental, such as the ones noted in this article . Repeated, corroborated studies do seem to point toward gender identity being a function of brain gender at least as much as external genitalia. Yes, there were many flawed psychological studies done about this. Which is why I’m sticking to biology. Having been in a relationship previously with a true intersex person (XXY) I can attest that figuring out one’s own gender is not always easy, especially when doctors aren’t sure either, as was the case in that instance.

 I’ve never felt at home in my body. My love of monster-as-hero stories, identifying much more with the freaks than with the mundanes, has been a constant theme throughout my life from as early an age as I can recall. I spent far too many years trying to fit into society’s “acceptable” roles for a kid born with girl parts who didn’t feel like a girl at all: Tomboy. Butch (and that didn’t go well at all; though I can admire the beauty of a woman and even be attracted to them, that doesn’t extend to sexual desire). After years of anguish, shame, and feeling like a freak who didn’t fit in anywhere, I’ve finally found a partner who loves and desires me as I am, no judgement given. I lucked out. 

Am I trans? I don’t know. Best analogy I can provide is that I feel like a gay man in a woman’s body. I dig guys. Guy parts are fun. I don’t feel as though I need to have them on me in particular, now that I found a man who adores me as is, pointless boobs and all. (Also, have to admit multiple orgasms are pretty darned nifty.) I have never ever felt like a girl, almost never wear feminine clothing, never wear makeup, never felt any sort of motherly instinct or desire for kids, never felt seductive or attractive. My sweetie doesn’t care how I identify; he loves me as is, and that’s all I need to feel secure. So in my case, altering my physical parts isn’t necessary for me to be happy. But I’m definitely not cisgendered. Is my not-a-woman weird identity less valid than any straight woman or man, any gay or queer or lesbian, any bi?

 No, it fucking well is not. I am. I exist. I’m a weirdo and my love is fine with that and I’m fine with it. I don’t care what label you feel like sticking on me. But. BUT.

 Not everyone gets this luxury. Not everyone is happy in their body as it came out of the womb (or was arbitrarily assigned by a surgeon, if it came out indeterminate). Lately I’ve seen a lot of absolutely incomprehensible blowback against trans people, some by other folks on the LBGTQ+ spectrum even. This boggles the mind. Folks, if you’re on that spectrum, guess what: most straight folk regard you as The Other and some of them, still in this modern age, fear and hate you. How can you possibly consign any of your fellow freaks to “invalid” status?

 You’re comfy in your gender. Lucky you. That does not make another person’s discomfort with theirs invalid, wrong, or fake. That does not somehow “invalidate” homosexuality. Where the fuck did that argument even come from? “I like guys and I like my guy parts. If you’re a woman trying to make yourself into a guy because you feel like a guy inside you’re WRONG”-- I mean what the actual fuck. How dare you. Guess what, the mundanes are still gonna lump you both into the freak category and revile you equally as perverts. You enjoy feeling like shit about yourself? No? Then don’t fucking do that to other people.

 If someone feels enough like a different gender that they wish to use a different pronoun for themselves, or neutral pronouns; if they feel strongly enough about it that they seek reassignment surgery; that is none of anyone else’s business. I’m not in that person’s shoes, I don’t feel what they feel every second of every day. But I’ve been close enough to it that I can sympathize, and I know it’s not my call to make. Nor is it yours. You’re straight and don’t understand any of this? That’s okay. Trying to identify with The Other is hard, especially if you didn’t grow up around people not like you. I don’t understand straight cis people at all. That doesn’t make them bad or wrong. Nor does it make me wrong for being different.

 Biology is weird. Humanity is weird. Sooner we all accept that and stop judging each other for something as stupid as whether they feel more like a girl or a boy, or neither, or in my case more like a wendigo who regards all stupid people as snacks…the better off all social interactions will be.

 Now go on and get down with yo weird selves.