No, Your Love Is Not Superior

Recently I had a mild argument with another author who portrayed a relationship in their books as deeply affectionate, soulmates even, but without any physical intimacy past kissing and hugging. Nothing wrong with that. Appropriate for his intended audience of younger readers, even. What seriously pissed me off was the insistence that a soul-to-soul love without sex was somehow superior to and more pure than love that includes physical consummation.

Now that, my friends, is some fucking Puritan bullshit. Screw Plato and Socrates and the notion that agape is somehow superior to loving someone using every possible connection two people can experience. High time we kick dead Greeks and their prudish descendants out of the heads of modern humanity.

I know of writers who don’t include sex scenes between their protagonists even if the characters are romantically involved. I’ve heard of readers, romance readers even, who prefer books without sex scenes. Who view romance as somehow more palatable without the wonderfully ridiculous delights of skin rubbing skin and grunting and moaning as awkward bodies come together to express complete desire for and acceptance of another person. I don’t understand this perspective at all, but I’m very aware that’s my outlook. Not everyone wants or needs sex with their love. Aces for instance see no need for it, and that’s cool, that’s their thing. It’s a valid viewpoint and it doesn’t have to make sense to me to be legitimate.

However, holding up love which doesn’t include sex as better than romantic attraction which includes all possible aspects of personal connection? Making that an all-inclusive statement, one-size-should-fit-all, and looking down one’s nose at those of us who delight in carnal relations as an integral part of true love? That’s some arrogant bullshit right there. That’s some zombie Puritan repression that refuses to die, encouraging bigotry, sex-shaming. Its festering corpse still haunts certain religious sects. This is especially harmful to kids growing up being taught that sex is dirty, or that striving to repress desire, even when mutual, is the only correct outlook on love. Same school of thought extends to anti-LGBTQ+ relationships. Teaching younguns that love without sex is superior only fosters and festers guilt, shame, and insecurity. Kill that viewpoint dead, burn it, and salt the damned earth it stood on for far too long.

Lookin' at YOU, Southern Baptists.

Someone who insists that sex somehow cheapens a loving relationship only tells me that person has never given their partner an orgasm. 

So yes, in my romance Straw Man there is very explicit, very tender and uplifting sex between my protagonists. Also some very silly innuendo as part of that sex, because squishing body parts together is an inherently silly act and I pity those who take it too seriously. This should be fun, you guys, not some holy of holies. Yes, even if the people involved are soulmates, deeply connected, yadda yadda. I’d argue especially if so.

In my horror comedy Wendigogo, Morty is baffled by his girlfriend’s attraction to him, as he thinks he’s nothing special. That doesn’t stop them from enjoying some bedsport, even once Morty begins to feel the effects of the wendigo curse. Book two of The Reluctant Wendigo will explore this in more detail, both because a good chunk of wendigo myth revolves around woman’s power to calm a wendigo (in the old stories, so they can then kill him), and because I want to dig into Morty and Darcy’s relationship further. So yeah, gonna be some weird sex coming up, and it definitely won’t be to everyone’s taste, and that’s fine. 

I mean c'mon. Look how cute he is in antlers.

My work in progress, Scarecrow (working title only, might go with Song of Straw), is a romantic modern fantasy with horror elements. (As if I could write something not horrific at all. Ever.) It is also very much an Oz story inspired by Baum’s books. Young witch Theo, Cassie’s friend from Straw Man, gets involved in the Scarecrow of Oz on his mission to find his true love. And gradually gets involved with him. Not shying away from the physical aspects of that as the relationship blooms. 

The pic that started it all.

So no, definitely not an Oz story for kids, but writing it as true to real relationships as I’m able. 

Sex is often a natural progression in a loving relationship where there’s also attraction and desire. Not for everyone. Maybe not for you, and that’s okay. My characters are as lusty, earthy, carnal and delighted by the physical aspects of love as I am. Some might not want to read that or write that, and that’s perfectly fine—but putting nonsexual love on a pedestal and worshipping it as the best, the purest, the highest and only way? 

Fuck that. And kill that decaying Puritan smugness already. Love is never one size fits all. 

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